i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
