I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
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They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
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Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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