This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
