my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
