Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
