the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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