I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
