yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
