Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
