dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
