I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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