Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
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