If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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