I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
