My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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