i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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