Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
