I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
