put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
