I wish I could teleport
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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