Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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