What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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