i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
