Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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