I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
