I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
