Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
