If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
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You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.