I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"