Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
