3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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