I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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