i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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