his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
