You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
