$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
