I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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