My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
