im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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