porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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