why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
