i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
