No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
