The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
