Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
It's just like the Real World with babies
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
