If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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