Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
