At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
