just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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