I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
