I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
