Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
