hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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