wat bout pragnant strippers??
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
