He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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