I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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