wakey wakey hands off snakey
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
