he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
