I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
