My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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